Gaslighting in relationships

Throughout a relationship, there are bound to be arguments along the way and hurtful words said in the “heat of the moment”. However, words are powerful tools and they can be used to mislead, create a false narrative, and make the other person question their judgement of reality. When they are used as a form of manipulation over a period of time, the victim can start to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and even wonder if they are losing their sanity.

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often wielded by emotional abusers. Perpetrators:

• Use gaslighting as a way to gain and maintain power and control in a relationship.
• Use words as a tool to break down the victim’s confidence over time by re-writing history and changing the victim’s interpretation of events.
• Make the victim believe that their version of events is the correct one.
• Use gaslighting as a way to hide their own bad

While gaslighting is most likely to manifest in a romantic rela- tionship, it’s not uncommon for it to occur in controlling friend- ships or among family members as well. Abusers can even use gaslighting tactics to exert control over their co-workers.

HOW GASLIGHTING WORKS

If someone is gaslighting you, you can come away from a conversation feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. The manipulation can confuse you and make you question your memory, self-worth and overall mental health.

Understanding the tactics of gaslighting can help you understand when you are the victim of this form of manipulation:

1. LyingIt is typical for an abuser to constantly and blatantly lie and never back down from their version of events — even when you call them out on it. They may say things like: “You’re crazy,” “You’re making things up,” or “That never happened.”
2. DistractingIf you call an abuser out on a lie, they’ll likely change the subject and ask you a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. They may also shift the blame back onto you, making you question whether you are to blame for something that occurred.
3. DiscreditingAn emotional abuser tends to lie a lot. They spread rumours and gossip about you to others, telling them that you’re “crazy” or “unstable”. They may pretend to be worried about you to others, but the end goal is something rather more sinister.Alternatively (or at the same time), an abuser may lie to you saying other people think you’re “crazy”, even though it’s not true.
4. MinimisingCommon phrases from an emotional abuser are: “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” and “Why are you so sensitive?”By minimising your thoughts and feelings, it can make you believe what you’re experiencing is wrong. Over time, constantly feeling misunderstood or not validated can be extremely isolating, confusing and generally harmful.
5. Word-weaponisingAn abuser will also use kind and loving words to try and smooth over situations, and attempt to use your own compassion against you. They might say something like: “I love you so much. I would never hurt you on purpose.” They know theseare the words you want to hear, but it’s not authentic.

SIGNS YOU’RE A VICTIM OF GASLIGHTING

Being a victim of gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression and other negative mental health conditions. It can even lead to addiction and thoughts of suicide. While it might be hard to unpick all the tricks the abuser is using to manipulate you, it might be easier to understand how you’re feeling to help validate that you are, indeed, being emotionally abused.

1. You feel vulnerable and
2. You doubt your version of events and
3. You question your
4. You feel isolated and
5. You feel ashamed and/or
6. You are beginning to question your own
7. You are losing your sense of
8. You worry you are too
9. You spend a lot of the time
10. You can’t make decisions because you don’t trust
11. You assume others are disappointed in you or don’t like you.
12. You feel

If you identify with a number of these signs of gaslighting, it’s imperative you seek help. If your employer is with Converge, you may have access to our specialised Domestic and Family Violence Helpline. Or, call one of our friendly staff on 1300 687 327.

You can also book a free and confidential appointment online or in the Converge App (Android or iOS).

Call 000 if you are in immediate danger, or to access 24/7 counselling and support, you can also call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.