How to hold difficult conversations at work

It’s a tough decision. Do you… 

1. Engage in the normal human strategy which is to avoid the issue and hope the situation gets better on its own? Or…
2. Take the plunge and have the conversation that you know is going to be awkward and could potentially create further tension in the relationship?

Both sound daunting, but these conversations need to happen. If you’ve been in this situation before, you’ll know that a difficult situation with a work colleague rarely goes away by itself.

However, if you go in half-prepared or, worse, not prepared at all, it can leave the relationship in tatters. A script and an assessment of the risk before the conversation even starts can help. 

Preparing for a difficult conversation

Good preparation and a safe environment to hold these talks is key. Before beginning to explain what you feel is wrong in the relationship, you should:

1. Make an appointment/time to speak to the person one-on-one
2. Make the appointment somewhere neutral, where both parties can feel at ease
3. When you meet, politely and calmly inform them you want to talk to them about something that is really important to you and you want them to listen before they respond 
4. Inform them that you will only need one-to-two minutes to explain your issue or concern

Structure your conversation

Now that you have the person’s attention, it’s important that you follow a set structure to help the conversation reach a successful resolution. Remember, this is not the time or the place to air your dirty laundry and simply vent with anger. You want to resolve the issue, not make it worse.

That being said, here are the steps you should take:

1) Name the issue succinctly 

• Explain in one-to-two sentences what you want to talk about.
• Don’t make it long-winded.
• E.g. “I’m concerned about our confrontation in the meeting last Thursday.” 

2) Select a specific example that illustrates the behaviour or situation you want to change

• Provide a specific example of an event or instance that exemplifies your point of concern.
• If the person challenges you at this point, politely remind them that you want to finish your point first. 
• E.g. “When you raised your voice to the point that people stopped and looked into the meeting room and then slammed the door when you left the room which everyone in the office noticed and some even commented on.”

3) Describe the impact this conflict has had on you

• Remember, people respond better to emotion, so use “I feel” or “I felt” statements, noting the impact on you and how it upset you.
• E.g. “I felt shocked/humiliated and didn’t know what to say”,  or “I’m feeling concerned that this might happen again in future 1-on-1 meetings and I’m now worried about our meeting coming up this week”, or “I feel sad that our working relationship appears to be deteriorating as I always felt great about how we worked together in the past.”

4) Clarify what is at stake

• Make a point about what is at stake if the behaviour doesn’t improve.
• If the person recognises that it’s not in their interest to continue with the behaviour, then they’re more likely to make a change.
• E.g. “My prime concern is our working relationship and wanting it to get back on track”, or “I’m concerned about both of our professional reputations if we have meetings where voices are raised or doors slammed.”

5) Identify the contribution you’re prepared to make to resolve the problem

• This is perhaps one of the most important steps
• You need to own up to the part you play in the conflict 
• Remember you are not losing face by apologising or owning up to your part in the dynamic — you have to keep your eye on the main goal, getting things back on track.
• E.g. “I really should have let you know I was upset last Thursday at, or soon after, our meeting rather than waiting until now and for that I’m really sorry”, or “I’ve been getting increasingly concerned about a number of interactions lately and I should have said something sooner.”   

6) Indicate your wish to resolve the issue

• This is another important step and is often overlooked.
• It’s extremely beneficial to state your belief or optimism you can both get beyond this and get back on to a more positive footing.
• E.g. “I’m confident that this can be sorted out easily”, or “I believe we can get back to our usual working relationship and will do whatever I can to make this happen.”

7) Invite the other person to then respond 

• Now it’s time for you to listen to the other person.
• Try not to get too upset if, initially, it’s not exactly what you want to hear, but it’s vital that you hear them out.
• Set up the floor for your colleague to talk by saying something like: “Now, I know this is what’s been going on in my head and it may be very different to what’s been going on in yours”, or “I know you may have a different take on the meeting completely which I’m happy to hear.”

8) Listen to them — don’t interrupt 

• It’s imperative that you don’t interrupt their response.
• Once they’re finished, try to concentrate on the resolution rather than the conflict itself.

Key takeaways

It is the balance of all these elements that work wonders. If you leave steps out, the conversation is less likely to reach a resolution. Step 5 (Identify your contribution) is the vital one not to miss. It is often the turning point in the conversation, when you role model taking responsibility for playing some part in contributing to the issue or problem.

At Converge, our communication and conflict resolutions consulting and training programs provide specific guidance on how to have tough, high stakes conversations. To speak with us about our consulting and training programs, click here to contact us, or call 1300 687 633.