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Throughout a relationship, there are bound to be arguments along the way and hurtful words said in the “heat of the moment”. However, words are powerful tools and they can be used to mislead, create a false narrative, and make the other person question their judgement of reality. When they are used as a form of manipulation over a period of time, the victim can start to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and even wonder if they are losing their sanity…

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often wielded by emotional abusers. They use gaslighting as a way to gain and maintain power and control in a relationship. They use words as a tool to break down the victim’s confidence over time by re-writing history and changing the victim’s interpretation of events. Ultimately, the victim can begin to believe that the abuser’s version of events is the correct one.

The term comes from the 1938 play “Gaslight” by Patrick Hamilton (later adapted into an Oscar-winning film in 1944), in which a husband tries to convince his wife she’s losing her mind to distract her from his criminal behaviour. Just like the husband in the play, real-life emotional abusers also use gaslighting as a way to hide their own bad behaviour. For example, they may say: “I can’t stand the way you flirt with other people whenever we go to a party”, when, in reality, they’re the person who’s being disloyal.

While gaslighting is most likely to manifest in a romantic relationship, it’s not uncommon for it to occur in controlling friendships or among family members as well. Abusers can even use gaslighting tactics to exert control over their co-workers.

How gaslighting works

Mixed-race young woman tired of argument with boyfriend

If someone is gaslighting you, you can come away from a conversation feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. The manipulation can confuse you and make you question your memory, self-worth and overall mental health.

Understanding the tactics of gaslighting can help you understand when you are the victim of this form of manipulation:

  1. Lying
    Lying and distortion are cornerstones of gaslighting behaviour. It is typical for an abuser to constantly and blatantly lie and never back down from their version of events — even when you call them out on it. In fact, the more you question them, the more angry and aggressive they are likely to get. They may say things like: “You’re crazy,” “You’re making things up,” or “That never happened.”
  2. Distracting
    When a magician performs a trick, they tend to distract, confuse and manipulate the version of events you’re seeing. An abuser uses similar tactics. If you call them out on a lie, they’ll likely change the subject and ask you a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. They may also shift the blame back onto you, making you question whether you are to blame for something that occurred. Just like a magician, they say: “look over here,” while the trick is happening right in front of your eyes.
  3. Discrediting
    An emotional abuser tends to lie a lot, and they are usually very adept at making you and other people believe stories that aren’t true. They use this power to spread rumours and gossip about you to others, telling them that you’re “crazy” or “unstable”. They may pretend to be worried about you to others, but the end goal is something rather more sinister. Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective in getting other people onside with them, further isolating you and your point-of-view. Alternatively (or at the same time), an abuser may lie to you saying other people think you’re “crazy”, even though it’s not true.
  4. Minimising
    Common phrases from an emotional abuser are: “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” and “Why are you so sensitive?” By minimising your thoughts and feelings, it can make you believe what you’re experiencing is wrong. Over time, constantly feeling misunderstood or not validated can be extremely isolating, confusing and generally harmful. Ultimately, this tactic is designed to gain power over you and increase their control over time.
  5. Word-weaponising
    A manipulator knows that using hurtful language all the time won’t be effective in the short or long run. So, they will also use kind and loving words to try and smooth over situations, and attempt to use your own compassion against you. They might say something like: “I love you so much. I would never hurt you on purpose.” They know these are the words you want to hear, but it’s not authentic.

Signs you’re a victim of gaslighting

Young gay couple in quarrel at home. LGBT concept

Being a victim of gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression and other negative mental health conditions. It can even lead to addiction and thoughts of suicide. While it might be hard to unpick all the tricks the abuser is using to manipulate you, it might be easier to understand how you’re feeling to help validate that you are, indeed, being emotionally abused.

  1. You feel vulnerable and insecure.
  2. You doubt your version of events and reality.
  3. You question your judgement.
  4. You feel isolated and powerless.
  5. You feel ashamed and/or inadequate.
  6. You are beginning to question your own personality.
  7. You are losing your sense of self.
  8. You worry you are too sensitive.
  9. You spend a lot of the time apologising.
  10. You can’t make decisions because you don’t trust yourself.
  11. You assume others are disappointed in you or don’t like you.
  12. You feel confused.

If you identify with a number of these signs of gaslighting, it’s imperative you seek help. If your employer is with Converge, you may have access to our specialised Domestic and Family Violence Helpline. You can find the number within your Converge Portal, or call one of our friendly staff on 1300 687 327.

Call 000 if you are in immediate danger, or to access 24/7 counselling and support, you can also call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

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