However, domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation that are used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a victim’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action. Experts like Dr. Evan Stark, author of Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, explain that “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.”
Currently, coercive control is dealt with as a civil matter in Australia’s court of law. It could soon become a criminal act under changes to domestic violence laws being considered by state governments in New South Wales, Queensland, Victoria, South Australia and the Northern Territory.
What is coercive control?
In her book, What are the signs of coercive control?, Louise Morales-Brown describes coercive control as a type of domestic abuse, sometimes referred to as “intimate partner violence”, which describes repeated patterns of behaviour used by the perpetrator – predominantly male – to exercise control and power by eroding a person’s autonomy, independence and self-esteem.
Coercive control does not describe any single form of abuse, but instead includes behaviours such as physical, sexual, psychological, emotional or financial abuse and intimidation. It is commonly a precursor to intimate partner homicide.
Recognising coercive control
Anyone can experience coercive control and it can often be hard to know when you’re a victim due to the fact the perpetrator is often highly manipulative. Likewise, the perpetrator will hide his actions from outsiders and even attempt to distance the victim’s friends and family members. There are, however, some signs to look out for.:
1) Monitoring
Abusers will often try to be omnipresent. They can do this by filling the home with cameras or recording devices, tracking the phone, car or handbag, or sometimes using two-way surveillance to speak to you at home during the day. Sometimes the invasive surveillance can extend to private areas, such as the bedroom or bathroom, which adds an element of humiliation to what is already a clear boundary violation.
2) Isolation
As we’ve touched on, a controlling partner will try and cut the victim off from friends and family to remove help and support they need. They might achieve this by:
- Not allowing them to go to work or school.
- Restricting access to transportation (the abuser will usually drive).
- Stalking the victim’s every move when out of the home.
- Taking the phone and changing the passwords so the victim has to ask to gain access to it.
4) Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often wielded by emotional abusers. They use gaslighting as a way to gain and maintain power and control in a relationship. They use words as a tool to break down the victim’s confidence over time by re-writing history and changing the victim’s interpretation of events. Ultimately, the victim can begin to believe that the abuser’s version of events is the correct one.
Click here to learn more about gaslighting.
5) Name calling & put-downs
The abuser will likely bully their victim by using hurtful words and malicious put-downs to lower the victim’s self-esteem. This tactic is designed to make the victim feel unimportant and deficient.
6) Limiting access to funds
Controlling the finances is a way of restricting the victim’s access to freedom and ability to leave the relationship. They can exert financial control by:
- Placing the victim on a strict budget.
- Limiting (or denying) access to bank accounts.
- Hiding financial resources.
- Preventing the victim from having their own bank account or credit card.
- Rigorously monitoring what the victim spends.
7) Reinforce traditional gender roles
Men are the main perpetrators of coercive control all over the world. Abusers will usually attempt to reinforce traditional roles that women are homemakers and mothers, while men are the breadwinners. Using these stereotypes, they may coerce the victim into taking full responsibility of all “domestic” duties such as cleaning, cooking, and childcare.
8) Gaining support of children
If there are children in the household, the abuser often tries to turn the children against the victim by telling them that the mother is a bad parent or by regularly denigrating them. This attitude can create a rift in the relationship between the victim and their kids, and may make them feel powerless.
9) Controlling aspects of the body
An abuser will monitor and control how much the victim eats, sleeps or even time spent in the bathroom. The abuser may require the victim to count calories after every meal or adhere to a strict exercise regimen. They might also control which medications the victim is allowed to take, including birth control.
10) Regulating the sexual relationship
Abusers might make demands about the amount of sexual activity each week and the kinds of activities the victim performs. They may also demand to take sexual pictures or videos of the victim or refuse to wear a condom.
How to escape
Coercive control is designed to entrap the victim in a hostage-like situation. If you recognise any of the abusive signs we’ve outlined, it’s important to understand you do not deserve – and should not accept – this treatment, regardless of how well the relationship may have started.
Getting out of an abusive relationship can be complex, even more so when children are involved. But with a bit of planning, there are ways.
1) Maintain communication with friends and/or family
Even if it enrages the abuser, a victim should try and keep communications with friends and family whenever possible. Ask them to check-in with you regularly.
2) Call a domestic violence hotline
Keep track of where your nearest public phone is – or pick up a cheap phone without the abuser knowing – and periodically weigh your options with a professional. 1800RESPECT is open 24 hours a day to support people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. Call 1800 737 732.
3) Practice how to escape safely
If there are children, teach them to identify a safe place such as a friend’s house or the library, where they can go to for help, and teach them how to call the police.
4) Have a safety plan for yourself
When deciding to leave, the victim needs to ensure that they have a plan of where to go and who to stay with.
If you’re in immediate danger call 000. If you don’t have access to a phone, try to physically remove yourself by getting to a neighbour’s house or nearby business.
If you know someone who you believe is living with a controlling or abusive partner, the contacts below will be able to provide advice.
DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811
DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636
Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120
Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800
Lifeline: 13 11 14
